


A Little Diplomacy

by keelywolfe



Series: by any other name [1]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Underfell, Alternate Universe - Underswap, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Spicyhoney - Freeform, Underfell Papyrus, Underswap Papyrus, Undertale Monsters on the Surface, papcest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 00:32:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14842166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keelywolfe/pseuds/keelywolfe
Summary: Edge wasn't sure when he became the diplomatic one but he did know that mistakes had been made.





	A Little Diplomacy

**Author's Note:**

> This is set after they've gotten to the surface, maybe a couple years after?

* * *

The building itself was unremarkable. Plain brick with odd, narrow windows and in front of the building near a set of flagpoles was an engraved sign declaring it the Ebott County Police Station. 

Edge took a moment to note the different entrances and exits, an old habit that he had no inclination to break. Several police cars were parked out front and from the distance he could see humans walking in and out of the building, some in uniform and others not. He closed his sockets for a moment, breathing evenly, readying himself. For a brief moment, he missed his usual clothing. The human sense of fashion wasn't unappealing, per se, but Edge simply could not feel as threatening in a suit and tie.

Then he got out of his car, carrying a small leather briefcase, and walked to the front entrance. 

There were a few glances his way, curious or wary, he wasn't sure. Interpreting Human expressions hadn't come easy to him, although he'd learned 'angry' and 'afraid' quickly enough. To be fair, 'happy' hadn't been difficult to puzzle through, either. 

A bored looking man in a uniform waved him through a metal detector and Edge stepped through readily. He hardly needed to carry a weapon when he was one. It was likely not an observation that would go over well if he pointed it out but it was hardly his fault if humans were too ridiculous to take such things into account. 

He followed the appropriate signs with their helpful arrows to a reception desk, where another officer, this one a woman, was working. She looked up at his approach and her smile only faltered briefly. 

"Hello, can I help you?" she asked, politely. 

Edge stepped up to the desk, setting his case on the ledge. "I’ve been informed that there is a monster in holding here."

"A monster?" She turned to a computer, hands posed over the keyboard. "Name?"

"Papyrus."

She hummed faintly. "Last name?"

Edge sighed inwardly. "We don’t have last names. I suppose if he was being a smart ass, which is likely, he used Font."

Another hum, this one perplexed, "I don’t have anything under that."

Edge took a long, slow breath, already weary of this idiocy. Bureaucracy was never going to agree with him; he should have taken Blue up on his offer to come along, he was always better at tolerating the Human's stupid insistence on their endless variety of paperwork. But no, his nerves would never have allowed him to bring a Sans into this place; bad enough that Stretch--

"Is it possible that somehow you have a second monster in holding with the name Papyrus?" Edge asked coolly. 

"Well, I…no," she faltered, clearing her throat, and visibly rallying her courage. Lovely. "But I need to find the name in the computer for you to post bail."

"Then please, allow me to interrupt you," Edge told her calmly. He opened his case and took out a stack of papers. "You don’t need to worry about me posting bail because that isn't why I’m here. He doesn’t have bail because he’s no longer under arrest."

"Sir…" she began, clearly flustered, as he began laying papers down on the desk.

"This is my identification, which you may note lists me as an official Liaison for Monsterkind," Edge slapped down his ID and peeled the first sheaf of papers from the pile. "This is from the Secretary of State confirming Papyrus's release conditions. Please note the notary seal. This is a statement of a civil suit we are filing against your department for violating his rights by arresting and holding a monster without contacting the embassy. Unfortunately for you, your department decided to arrest a monster who is part of the King's court. He has diplomatic immunity. Which it clearly states on his ID, exactly as it does on mine."

He set his hands on the counter, deliberately looming over her as she shrank back. "What you should have done was immediately contact the embassy and hold him in a private room. What you did was arrest him and allowed him one text, which he sent to me."

A text that had been a particular delight to receive, Edge thought sourly.

_in jail. help. bring snacks_

At least he'd included a map link to the station. 

He took one last thing out of his case before closing it with a decisive snap. "And here’s a business card for you to put right by your phone, so next time you can call before you people do something else to cause a diplomatic incident."

He held it out to her between two fingers, deliberately forcing her to lean forward to take it. The poor woman looked close to tears. It wasn’t her fault, he reminded himself, it wasn't. 

The reminder did nothing to soothe his anger. 

"Now, will someone please take me to Papyrus?"

* * *

Another officer took him downstairs, this one a man, and from his surly silence, Edge gathered that bad news traveled quickly. He was led down a flight of stairs into a corridor lined with cells, most of them with people in them.

"…so then i told him…"

Through the cluster of noise and the sounds of people moving within the cells, Edge clearly picked out one distinctive voice. He could have picked it out of any crowd, that well-abused, whisky-sweet voice. 

"…if this is my thermometer, then where's my pen!"

A roar of laughter overshadowed the dull cacophony of a dozen conversations and Edge closed his eyes, pained. The officer led him to a cell at the end of the corridor and Edge could already see him, the glaring orange of his hoodie better than a neon sign. 

The low burn of anger he'd felt since he'd gotten that text flared hotter and it took considerable effort to keep a scorching glow of magic from illuminating his eye. Stretch was sitting at the back of a cell. A cell that contained several other humans and considering that they were in a jail cell, it wasn't likely they were of high moral character. Edge swallowed back the acid burn of anger and nausea. If any had had ill intent, if even one...

Stretch saw him before he could say a word, a lazy smile brightening his face, "hey, see, guys, didn’t i tell you a handsome prince was coming to rescue me?" He raised a hand in a wave that would have done justice to a prom queen. "hey, handsome, slay any dragons on your way in?"

"Only paper ones," Edge said. He could hear the roughness in his own voice, knew that Stretch had heard it. His smile didn't so much as falter but his eye lights flicked down the floor for the briefest second, then back up to meet his.

"welp, i’m short of hair to let down for you so you’ll have to let me out the door," Stretch said cheekily. "but i gotta tell you, prince charming, i’m not leaving without my friend andy here."

He slung an arm around the human closest to him, a young man with messy brown hair and what looked like the beginnings of a spectacularly colorful black eye.

"I keep telling you, it’s Jeff," the human, Andy/Jeff, said. He sounded long-suffering but amused. Edge could relate.

"i know you keep telling me but hear me out! andy is so much better. you can go by handy andy and be helpful and vulgar at the same time. jeff doesn’t rhyme with anything and jeffry sounds like a brand of peanut butter. Go with andy, you won’t regret it."

The human grinned and shook his head. "Thanks but I think I’ll stick with Jeff, I wouldn’t be able to stand all the paperwork."

"spoilsport."

"Excuse me, is he leaving or not," the officer said impatiently.

"He's leaving right now," Edge gritted out, glaring at Stretch. Who looked ready to continue his earnest protest, although whether it was about if he was staying or his ongoing pursuit of the name Andy, Edge couldn't be sure. "The attorney for your friend is enroute right now; he should be here any time now." 

"who did you get?" Stretch asked. His smile, his posture, were lazy and relaxed, fingers drumming lightly on the top of Andy/Jeff's head. His eye lights were razor-sharp, assessing. 

"Who else?" Edge snorted. "Antwan."

Stretch closed his sockets briefly. "good. good, he's…he'll take care of you, andy."

"Jeff," he correctly amicably. 

"okay, kid, I get the feeling if i don't leave, prince charming is going to morph into the evil queen and none of us want that visual." Stretch shuddered. "he's got great legs but that dress does no one any favors. you gonna be okay?"

"I'll be fine." Andy/Jeff gave Stretch a shove in the direction of the door and gentle as it was, Edge tensed, a faint shower of crimson sparks dancing at his fingertips. He curled his hands into fists, struggling for control.

"take care, kid. i got your twitter handle, we'll get together for lunch and chaos again some time, yeah?"

"Less chaos and more lunch next time?" Jeff/Andy said wryly and Stretch laughed. 

"no promises, but it sounds good. laterz!"

He stepped through the door, hands in pockets, and followed the officer and Edge upstairs to the reception desk. The young woman seemed to have decided to let someone else handle their departure and in her place was an older woman, her graying hair pulled back into a bun. She was briskly efficient, a large manila envelope in her hands. 

"Here's your personal effects," she said, evenly, and Edge put out a hand, forcing Stretch to keep two paces back. Out of reach.

"Open it," Edge said curtly. Her nostrils flared, whitening with annoyance but she did as he said, naming each item as she set it out. A wallet, with identification and twenty-seven dollars inside. A handful of change, American, monster gold and for some reason, a Canadian loonie. A cell phone. A pack of cigarettes with a lighter. 

The latter Stretch leaned in over Edge's arm to scoop up, fishing a cigarette out of the crumpled pack. He flicked the lighter with practiced ease, inhaling deeply. 

"Sir," the woman said it like an epithet, glaring at him, "this is a nonsmoking building."

There. The first dregs of anger, a flare of orange in his left socket before it guttered out. Stretch took a long drag, exhaling a cloud of smoke, and met her glare with a sharp-edged grin. "arrest me again for smoking," he said, biting off each word with bitter precision. "please. i’m begging you."

A tense silence fell over the room. No one moved. 

Edge reached out and gently rested a hand between his shoulder blades, smoothing it down his back. "Calm down," he murmured. He could feel Stretch trembling. 

"we aren't leaving until antwan gets here," Stretch muttered back and Edge nodded. He took Stretch's wallet and cell phone, gently stuffing them into the pocket of his hoodie. Antwan was one of the first humans they'd met when they'd come to the surface. Young and fiercely intelligent, he was also one of the few humans they both trusted. He'd done his time in the courtrooms to earn that trust, helping Monsters secure a place in this world. He couldn’t think of a better person to help Andy/Jeff with what would surely be a frustrating and expensive legal battle.

Price was not going to be an issue for that young human. He'd helped a monster and put himself in the way of bodily harm doing it. Andy/Jeff had no idea of the debt that Edge owed him and likely never would. Edge was never going to forget it.

Stretch smoked his cigarette, the tremble in his hands easing and no one protested when he lit another. He was halfway through it when Antwan walked in, neatly dressed in a suit and his sunglasses still perched on his nose. He was shaking his head before he even got to them.

"Stretch, this is a nonsmoking building." Did everyone sound like that when they talked to Stretch? Resigned and yet amused, Antwan grinned at them both. 

"eh, so it is," Stretch shrugged, "my mistake." He pinched it out with his fingertips and stuck the butt into his pocket. "you gonna help out my new best friend?"

"Always leaving me with the problems," Antwan said, shaking his head. He proved he was far more adept at reading Monster's behavioral cues than Edge was at human ones because he kept his hands to himself, only holding out a fist for Stretch to tap. "Don't worry, I got this. Edge, get this fucker out of here before someone else takes a swing at him."

Edge nodded curtly. He kept a hand at the base of Stretch's spine, guiding him like a lost, bony little sheep, herding him out the door and to the car. 

Stretch was silent on the ride home, his sockets closed and his head leaning against the window. Not really pretending to be asleep and Edge only turned on the radio, keeping the music low. The embassy was downtown but he and Stretch lived just outside of the city in the community that monsters had formed at the base of the mountain. Fenced and guarded, Humans didn't often try to cause trouble in New New Home. It was safe, safer, even living amongst Fell monsters. 

Stretch didn't speak as Edge pulled up in front of their house. Not a joke or a word or a pun as they walked up the sidewalk, not a single snide remark or a hint of sarcasm. Edge held open the door for him and Stretch walked inside, Edge at his heels. 

The moment the door shut, Stretch shoved him against it. Hard enough to knock the breath from him, his fists clenched in the fine pressed cotton of his shirt. His teeth were hard against Edge's, rough and fierce and Edge let him, parted his teeth to let Stretch's frantic tongue tangle with his own.

"please," Stretch whispered, thin and reedy. He was shaking, hard enough that Edge could hear the rattle of his bones. "please, tell me if you want me to stop…if you don't…"

"Shut up," Edge breathed it into him, "and just take it. Anything you want, anything you need."

The sound Stretch made was guttural and lost, "fuck, don’t write me a blank check like that."

He pulled Edge away from the door, pulled him staggering through their living room to the sofa and shoved him down on it, straddling his lap. His slight weight was always a faint surprise; he looked solid, sturdy beneath his hoodie and baggie shorts. Instead, beneath them he was delicate, clean bones, tall and slight, and his HP so painfully low.

Stretch pulled at Edge's shirt, fumbling with the buttons and Edge only held his wrists in a loose grip and let him, let him take whatever he wanted, whatever he needed, fuck, he loved this idiot so much, he loved him and--

A drop of wetness fell. They both looked at it, a droplet of watery orange on Edge's white shirt. 

More tears fell, Stretch's shoulders quivering as he struggled to hold them back, fought against the sobs that were trying to escape even as he kept trying to kiss Edge, tried to open his belt with shaking hands. 

Edge took him by the shoulders, gently. "Stop."

"no," Stretch said stubbornly as tears streaked their way down his cheekbones. "i want...i just…"

"I’m here," Edge told him, softly, pulling him down despite his struggles, pressing Stretch's face into the curve between his neck and his shoulder. "I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere."

Stretch tried to resist even as he faltered, sagging into Edge. Who only held him as he shuddered and wept, abruptly burying himself into Edge's shoulder, hiding his face in clean cotton, wetting it with his tears.

"Shhh, it's all right," Edge crooned to him. His soul ached, throbbing in time to those hoarse, wracking sobs. His lover was hurting and there was nothing he could do but hold him and ache with love and overwhelming sorrow, "You're home, you're safe. It's all right."

He shifted on the sofa until he was lying down, tugging Stretch down to curl against him. "Come on, come down here."

"why?" Stretch's voice was thick with darkly bitter amusement, "so you can see how weak i am?"

"Sweetheart—"

"don’t," his voice cracked, "don’t be kind to me, please."

Edge pressed a gentle kiss to his temple. "Why wouldn’t I be kind to you?"

A raw chuckle, "to begin with i'm pretty sure i ruined your shirt."

"Fuck the shirt," Edge growled. He traced his fingertips down Stretch's skull, across his cranial sutures. "What happened today?"

Stretch shifted against him in a strange combination of discomfort and yearning. "you know what happened."

"I read the police report, yes. Now I want to hear it from you."

Stretch was silent for a long time. Edge waited. 

"…i was taking the bus." So softly. 

Taking the bus because he didn’t drive and hated harassing others for a ride. There was a bus stop just outside New New Home and buses stopped every twenty minutes to take Monsters into Ebott. For work, for shopping, for whatever simple reason a monster might simply need to go into the city. When he was in a good mood, Stretch frequented coffee shops and old books stores like a ridiculous hipster and he was an easy friend to make, on the surface-level at least. He had several thousand followers on Twitter and if he'd actually been the amiable monster he appeared, the King would have hooked him into public relations. 

That idea had been quashed when the amount of swearing in his Twitter had nearly given the former Queen an aneurysm. 

"You were taking the bus," Edge prompted.

Stretch shrugged, his bony shoulder rubbing painfully against Edge's clavicle. "this guy…this human. he didn’t like my face, i guess, i’ve always thought i was handsome kinda fella in an evil dead sort of way but—"

"Papyrus."

He felt Stretch swallow, felt him curl a little harder into himself. "he took a swing at me and i…i could have teleported and i didn’t. i couldn’t believe...i didn’t want to...he could have killed me and i couldn't—andy stepped in and…"

"Jeff."

"jeffry stepped in, they shared a few fists, and we all ended up in jail," Stretch finished roughly. "the end."

"He was in that cell with you?" Cold fear tightened around his soul and he was going to _gut_ that police station, he could taste his own anger, bitter-sharp and clear, and he was going to--

"nah, they weren’t that stupid. no idea what they did with him."

His anger didn't ease and Edge breathed through it, wrapping his arms around Stretch and holding him tightly, moving to tangle their legs together. Stretch only pushed harder into him, molding his lean body against Edge. Skeletons weren't particularly designed for cuddling, all hard angles and edges. They made it work. 

Edge pressed a kiss against the top of Stretch's skull. _I can't lose you,_ he didn't say, _I couldn't bear it._

Stretch didn't reply, _i know. i know, i'm sorry, i'm so sorry_

In the end, Stretch did manage a grumbling, "you know, if you crack any bones, you get to fix them."

"Shut up and cuddle," Edge muttered back. 

"Whenever you want, lover," Stretch sighed, burying his face into the damp ruin of Edge's shirt. He drowsed, his breathing going slow and even, while Edge stroked his skull, staying awake and keeping watch. 

-finis-


End file.
